Lying to My Mother

Recently I talked with my mother on the phone. She usually calls every other weekend. I don't mind conversing with her so long as she doesn't nag me about going to church, reading the Bible, listening to Christian podcasts and Christian music. She's a fanatical, evangelical Christian (my dad is also, but not as much as my mom) and she's always tried to force her beliefs down my throat. She was successful up to the time that I turned 19 and then I completely rebelled and got myself into a lot of trouble. I went off to college and was out of control and made a lot of stupid decisions. I'd rather not divulge the details of the trouble that I got into, but the consequences were severe to say the least. Anyway, I moved out of the house in May 2006 and became an atheist. I had had doubts about God and an afterlife prior to my transition but they became more solidified when I became more free from my parents' influence.

Anyway, I've always tried to be honest with my Mom in regard to my thoughts, feelings and emotions; I'm closer to my mom than my dad. My parents know that I'm gay but, as you can imagine, it's a sore subject so we rarely discuss my sexuality, which is fine by me.

So last week she called me on the phone and asked if I'm keeping a blog anywhere. It was freaky because I had just started blogging and getting back into the gaining community. Obviously I don't want her to read this blog, so I lied and told her I only post on Facebook. She didn't challenge my answer but it hurt me to have to lie to her.

What's even worse is that she still thinks that I'm a Christian! That's why she's constantly asking about whether I've found a church to attend and whether I'm reading religious literature, etc.

I think the posts I make on Facebook sometimes reflect my atheistic sentiments but perhaps not. I'd tell her I'm an atheist but it would crush her and she'd tailspin into extreme anxiety and she'd make it very hard for my father to live with her. Suffice it to say, in this case, ignorance is bliss.

In regard to my relationship with my parents and my desire to become fat, I'm looking forward to showing off my additional poundage. I've always been thin so this is finally my way of taking control of my own body and visibly and silently declaring my lifestyle.

I'm going to try to deflect any questions they may ask about my weight gain. I'll try to change the subject or appear as though it's a troubling aspect of my life. I'll try to silently convey to them my wish to not talk about it with them. I don't want to flat-out lie to them in regard to my gaining and perhaps in time I'll tell them that I'm doing it intentionally, although it's none of their business.

One issue I've been thinking about a great deal is how a preteen or teenage gainer deals with their parents, especially when their parents want them to lose weight.

Well, this was a long blog, but hopefully you've learned more about me from reading it. Peace out!

A Silly Rant About Movie Theater Policies

Yesterday afternoon I went to the Loews AMC movie theater in Methuen, Massachusetts. Before The Chronicles of Narnia started I waited in line at the concession stand because I wanted to order a hot chocolate. I was skeptical that hot chocolate would even be on the menu and when I asked the employee if they carried it she told me they didn't. Right next to the theater is a Starbucks and I knew this, so I asked if it would be okay if I went to Starbucks and got a hot chocolate there to drink while watching the movie. She said that I could only drink it in the lobby. I am so annoyed by their policy. It's one thing to say that I can't bring a competitor's products into their theater if they're already serving hot chocolate, but to not serve hot chocolate and forbid me from buying it somewhere else is crazy! I didn't argue with them, but I didn't order anything from their menu. I figured I'd get a hot chocolate at Starbucks after the movie, but my boss called towards the end of the movie and told me he needed help right away so I didn't have time to get my coveted drink. This blog had no point, except to say that I wish companies didn't place unfair restrictions on their customers.

Narcissism, Gaining & My Ideal Body Image

Is gaining symptomatic of narcissism? Since becoming a gainer I have found myself heavily fixating on various parts of my body, especially my belly, my hands, my face, my thighs, my penis and my butt. As my fat has increased so has my sexual attraction to my body. I wonder if I will be even more greatly in love with my body when I reach my ideal weight of 300+ pounds. I doubt I'll ever be completely happy with how my body looks because my ideal body type is that of a very chubby late adolescent, possessing skin that is youthful and healthy and smooth. By the time I obtain 300+ I'll be in my 30s, which is still young, but obviously not an Adonis.

For me, one of the positive results of gaining is the adulation gainers receive from fat admirers, chubby chasers, and encouragers/feeders. It is refreshing to be appreciated for a physical trait that has become increasingly taboo in our “health” obsessed culture.  

The Environmental Factors That Have Contributed to My Weight Gain

Shortly after I arose from bed this morning I stepped on my digital scale and looked down. I was happily surprised to read that I'm now 200.1 pounds. My goal was to obtain 200 by Christmas, so this is truly wonderful. I will now attempt to reach 205 by Christmas. Short-term goals help me to not feel too discouraged by the slowness in accumulating fat. If I only concentrated on my ultimate goal of 300 lbs. I would feel despair and become impatient.

The main point of this entry was to discuss why it's felt easy for me to gain. One reason is because I have a credit card and I've been uninhibited in my food purchases. This will no doubt bite me in the ass if I also spend money on too much entertainment, so I've been buying my media via secondary channels, such as eBay and Swap.com. I'm also much more willing to rent media. Another critical factor in why I'm gaining so easily is due to my fairly sedentary job. I don't need to do too much exercising. The most exercise I get is on weekdays when I have to walk to the library. It's a long story as to why I daily go to the library, but it's partly related to my job. I'm sorry for the myriad of adverbs in this post, but hopefully they contribute to my message. The third reason for my gaining is the abundance of (free) fattening foods around me because of the holidays. My landlord likes to bake desserts and place candy and other sweet treats around the house. Before I was a gainer I resented her for doing this because I didn't want to gain weight, but now I'm grateful that she's made it even easier and more cost-effective to get fat.

Well, those are some of the contributing factors in why I'm finding it easy to gain. I haven't invested in gainer powders yet, but I may if I get some extra spending money this Christmas. If I do use powder mixes, will my fat be distributed throughout my body or only settle in my belly? I want my fat to encapsulate my entire body, but that's not always how it initially begins.