Is gaining symptomatic of narcissism? Since becoming a gainer I have found myself heavily fixating on various parts of my body, especially my belly, my hands, my face, my thighs, my penis and my butt. As my fat has increased so has my sexual attraction to my body. I wonder if I will be even more greatly in love with my body when I reach my ideal weight of 300+ pounds. I doubt I'll ever be completely happy with how my body looks because my ideal body type is that of a very chubby late adolescent, possessing skin that is youthful and healthy and smooth. By the time I obtain 300+ I'll be in my 30s, which is still young, but obviously not an Adonis.
For me, one of the positive results of gaining is the adulation gainers receive from fat admirers, chubby chasers, and encouragers/feeders. It is refreshing to be appreciated for a physical trait that has become increasingly taboo in our “health” obsessed culture.
I understand how you feel, at times I feel the same way, fear of becoming obsessed with how I look. I think the best thing to do is just not to worry about it and just eat up! You'll look great!
ReplyDeleteI've written about this before on my own blogspot--in the type of well, "repressive" and rigid home you were raised in, you were taught to "swallow" a lot of things, and I suspect from your comments, your family has a lot of practice keeping secrets that you think would upset Mother.
ReplyDeleteWhen you leave that sort of environment (to go to college, to join the armed forces--or just to escape--it's like opening the door of a cage you've been in for a very long time.
In other words, in a healthier household, you would have started exploring and enjoying your body and its parts at a much earlier age.
A lot of therapists believe if someone has experienced trauma, he or she will "freeze" at the developmental stage (psycho-sexual-social) you were when the trauma happened.
For a lot of gay kids, this "freeze" happens about the time other kids are starting to "practice" puppy love, crushes, and trying to date. A gay kid will often "shut down" because he's too afraid to let everyone know he wants a boyfriend.
When he finally Comes Out, it's as if the "clock" starts up again. As a result, based on this model, a lot of the excitement and thrill you're experiencing with your body and a feeling you're finally in control of your life--means you're experiencing the same sort of pleasure you were really designed to feel when your were around 13. As the lovely Stuffmebloated86 suggested--by all means--enjoy the journey. What you're going through is part of the healing process :)